Reinventing the Tumbleweed

The tumbleweed blowing by is a popular cinematic trope used to illustrate barrenness, boredom, jokes that fall flat, etc. Lizzie and I spotted this fine specimen (right by mod Maude, our rental PT Cruiser) on a Pueblo in New Mexico, which was sort of empty. Is tumbleweed typecasting not just limited to their roles as movie actors? Are they hired/forced to roam about the earth indicating that your conversation is really tedious, or to call attention to eerie emptiness? Is it an Ancient Mariner sort of thing? How do tumbleweed(s) feel about this stereotyping? I feel these topics need to be explored in a new film, preferably a musical, where a plains tumbleweed goes to the city, pairs with a trash cyclone (you know, those magical wind-whipped mélanges of detritus usually located in corners or alleys consisting of candy bar wrappers, plastic bags and desiccated leaves) both learning from each other and discovering a rich inner self allowing them to explore who/what they are beyond the confines of their assigned societal (or cinematic) functions.

These are the things I think about, and these are the things Lizzie gets to listen to as we drive for hours. Luckily for me, not only does Lizzie listen to my ideas and theories, she expounds on them, always providing keen insight on logistics, such as proper tumbleweed lighting, etc.

Please list any thoughts on songs for Tumbleweed: The Musical! In the comments section. Any songs used will be credited to their respective composer.

Your actions, Sammy does not approve of them

This post is not about travel. This post is simply to let you know that my sister's cat Sammy saw what you did, and he doesn't approve. Not in the least.

Preparation H(epatitis)

So before Lizzie and I went to Africa, we had to get a bunch of vaccinations, including your run of the mill stuff like Tetnus, Polio, Diptheria, Measels, Mumps, Rubella, Hepatitis A& B, etc. Since neither Lizzie nor I had ever had the chicken pox, we had to get the vaccination for that, too, which is actually two shots, and gives you an ENORMOUSLY ITCHY red welt for about four days. Better than the actual pox, though, so I've heard. In any case, Lizzie and I went for our third round Hep A&B vaccine today, and we were very, very mature about it. That shit hurts! As you can see from the picture, my delts are off the chain, so there is no room to jam a needle in there. Plus there's that awful suctiony feeling as the needle comes out. Gah. My band-aid's pretty sweet, though, right? Hep Hep Hooray!

States of Snark: Flashback, 2007, New Mexico

Q. When will making jokes about buttes stop being funny?
A. Never

(Related, nice buttes!)

States of Snark Flashback: 2007, On Route from the Four Corners

No Passing.

States of Snark: Flashback, 2007, Four Corners

Four States Meet and Greet

Growing up, I lived on a street that straddled a town line. Being easily amused (in my youth, I mean) I would find great joy in being able to stand in TWO TOWNS AT ONCE! OH MY GOD! MY BODY IS BEING SPLIT BY AN ARBITRARY AND INVISIBLE LINE! In any case, now that I’m older, it takes much more to amuse me, something like, say, STANDING IN FOUR STATES AT ONCE! AWESOME! MY BODY IS BEING SPLIT MY MULTIPLE ARBITRARY AND INVISIBLE LINES! So it’s been reported to me by several sources (including my father and NPR) that surveyors are claiming that the “actual” location of the four corners is 2.5 miles away from where the monument is, due to faulty surveying back in 1868. (The monument was placed in 1875, I believe). Normally I’m not one for conspiracy theories, but I call BS on this one. For those of you who have never been to the four corners, let me tell you that it is a haul, and there’s no easy way to get there. Once you do get there, you have to pay a fee to enter, and then of course you have to buy a bunch of tchotchkes after taking your obligatory I’M IN FOUR STATES pictures. So, this whole “four corners is 2.5 miles away” is just a feeble attempt to lure tourists out in a recession to reclaim their dollars, while doubling as a ruse to trick us into going back to Utah. Just kidding, we’ll be visiting Utah again later anyway. Maybe during the Nevada trip.

Things of note from our trip to four corners:

There was an adorable Mennonite couple in front of us in line (you have to wait your turn to touch the four states) in full regalia (bonnets, stockings, etc), but oddly they had a much better camera than we did. I know because they asked us to take their picture. I’m guessing they’re not Old Order Mennonites, because a horse and buggy would not have cut it, travel wise. (Also, did you know there are many different orders of Mennonites? There are! Another job for wikipedia!)

Being the funniest people we know, we made signs to bring to our photo shoot. Some expressed our deep love for diet coke, others implied that we were bored, and the one pictured is a shout out to my Dad, who was concerned that we’d run into bandits (not to be confused with outlaws) while traveling through the New Mexico desert. While we did run into many odd folks on our journey, I don’t think any could be considered bandits.

OH MY GOD, LIZZIE'S IN FOUR STATES AND HER PURSE IS IN TWO!

States of Snark: Flashback, Santa Fe 2007

Georgia O'Keefe

Per the earlier post, a snow storm had routed our plans of touring Colorado first and then New Mexico, driving us south until one of the hotels Lizzie called reported back that it was, in fact, not snowing in Santa Fe. Santa Fe is a lovely city, full of adobe, overpriced turquoise and iconography. We visited a couple of museums, most notably the Georgia O’Keefe museum. It was a whole lot of awesome, but the best part was that Georgia seems to be in denial. When asked about the pretty obvious correlation between her art and what I like to call the lady parts, she was like “hell no you guys are all perverts those are just flowers”.

a) Flowers are reproductive organs. Next time your honey gives you a bouquet, think about the fact that you are getting a bunch of plant crotches. Sure, they have both male and female parts, but still, plant crotches. Ask my friend Bendta, she will tell you. They have ovaries. Look it up on wikipedia.

b) COME ON GEORGIA O’KEEFE! Has she just never looked, or is she playing some sort of trick on us? Note in her progression, she goes from painting “flowers” to painting “skulls and flowers”, which obviously represent the uterus.

Anyway, little did I know that this visit would inspire me two years later to write an award-winning haiku at my friends' (the aforementioned Bendta and the now-mentioned Sarah) art-snob party. (The award was a wizard’s hat. They told me I am a 4th level wizard of pretension.) Here it is, so the rest of you can bask in my pretension genius:

Georgia O’Keefe says
Flowers are not vaginas
Open your eyes, bitch

Thank you.