And Gave Her Mother 40 Whacks

 From the parlor, we made our way to the dining room, where the autopsies were conducted, not on the dining room table as has often been reported, but rather on a coroner's rack.  The tour guide, named Danielle, handed around close up pictures taken of Mr. and Mrs. Borden's bodies after the crime scene, which can never be unseen.  After that we passed into a second sitting room, where Mr. Borden was killed.

The murders were committed on August 4th.  It was hot as hell--the entire family had been violently ill-- and while Abby Borden had feared poisoning, as her husband had many enemies (and Lizzie herself had tried to buy prussic acid at a druggist the previous day to clean a cloak, but had been denied the substance) but when autopsies of Mr. and Mrs. Borden were conducted, it was shown to be "summer sickness," or what we'd call food poisoning from leaving nasty-ass mutton out on the stove for several days in the blistering heat and then eating the disgusting fucking bacteria laden meat. All that and no indoor plumbing.  Fun.

That morning, Mr. Borden spoke with his former brother-in-law, who then left via bus to visit some other nieces.  Andrew went to work, and Abby asked the maid, Bridget, to wash the second floor windows.  Bridget asked if it could wait, for she too was ill, but Abby was like "lol you are not a real person you are Irish and a maid" and told her to get to work.  Bridget went to clean the windows, and Abby went to remake the bed in the second floor guest room, which was at the top of the front stairs, where John had been sleeping.  Mr. Borden came home from work at about 10:30am and tried to unlock the front door, but found his key didn't work.  He banged on the door and Bridget tried to open it, and (being Irish) she issued an expletive when it stuck.  She heard Lizzie laughing from the front stairs (and you could see the guest bedroom, where Mrs. Borden was, from the stairs) but didn't look back, and let Mr. Borden in, who went up the side stairs to his room, before coming back down to lie on the couch for a nap.

The second floor of the Borden's house had a curious arrangement, in that there were no hallways, and to deal with this, Emma and Lizzie accessed their bedrooms through the front stairs, and Lizzie, who's bedroom abutted the master suite, locked her door and shoved her bed up against it, so her father wouldn't be able to walk through that way.  He was of similar mind, and accessed his bedroom through the servant's stairs on the side, dead bolted his door, and pushed a dresser against it.  His wife had a small room next to his, and "robbers" had brazenly broken into the house during daylight one year before, stealing money, jewels, and trolley tickets (all from Mrs. Borden).  Mr. Borden called for an investigation, but suddenly dropped it when two boys were apprehended upon trying to use the tickets, and said "Miss Lizzie gave them to us," when questioned.  This is why Mr. Borden insisted on locking all the rooms in the house, keeping the key to his bedroom on the mantel in the room where he was eventually murdered.

And as he laid down to take his nap, his wife already lay dead on the floor of the spare bedroom, having been killed an hour and a half before.  As he slept, his assailant split his face with an axe, hitting him ten or eleven times.  It is important to note that while the other people on the tour sat on the couch, human Lizzie and Shannon were the only two who classily reenacted the scene.  We paper dolls are far more tasteful.