Surprise Charlie Daniels

The rodeo was just as fun as I remembered from Kansas. It had the same events, except for the mutton busting, but the fireworks probably would've scared the sheep anyway. Also, the event opened with a surprise performance by Charlie Daniels. His beard was mighty.

There were a lot of adorable cowboys with adorable names, my favorite being "Tuf Cooper." The announcers were rather sassy, and said that one of the ropers was "big enough to eat hay," and that another "matched his horse pound for pound." The roper missed his target, probably because he was sad that he'd just been called fat in front of 18,000 people. We followed the cowboys to the Mirage after-party (pausing for the champagne hand-off), and saw lots of hookers. One lady of the evening was clad in a corset so tight that it managed to create a muffin top out of zero body fat, and also provided us party-goers with an eyeful of nipple when she had a wardrobe malfunction. Also, not to be judgey, but she was a horrible dancer, and made her creepy date chase her around the dance floor, weaving through the two-steppers.

Not having had our fill of sketch, we decided to drop in on this "club" which was actually a tiny room in a tattoo parlor, where ladies (THAT'S US!) drank free. However, the jersey shore esque bouncer said there was a $20 cover, and I gave him a disdainful look and said "No thanks," which destroyed his soul enough that he let us in for ten. (If I am going to pay a $2o cover, there'd better be actual people in the club). We set about drinking our $10 worth of free liquor, and dodged some sketchy escorts who tried to get us to sit at the VIP table for free. And by free they meant we'd have to pop bottles of KRYSTAL, bitchez. As I mentioned, the teeny club was nearly empty, and these two sad women kept dancing up on these raised platforms in front of the VIP table. They were horrible dancers, so one of the bouncers told them to get down because "they weren't adding anything" to the atmosphere. This calls for a series of emoticons: :( :( :( :( HOW EMBARRASSING. Having drank as much free booze as our livers could handle, we took our fabulous selves back to our hotel, and slept it off.