Sunday, April 28, 2013

An end to our Archaic Adventures

As with most archeological sites, America's Stonehenge ends with an alpaca farm.  These alpacas wanted none of our tomfoolery, and so we were reduced to playing with this ratty moose.  After that we returned south via the easily accessible route 93, and now we wait for the oracle to work her magic.  I hope it in no way involves the mensal stone. 

First Wonder of the Pre-Columbian World

I AM THE COLOSSUS OF RHODES SALEM, NEW HAMPSHIRE.  LOOK UPON ME AND TREMBLE.

All along the Astronomical Trail

 Along with the trail around the main complex, there is an "Astronomical Trail," which features the monoliths marking the lines denoted in the Astronomical alignment map.  We took to the trail with our map, and here I am hopping down from a rock we used to get our bearings, as we only need the sun and our keen senses of direction to find our way.  Below is the "Winter Solstice Sunset Monolith," which was photographed by Robert E. Stone (no, really, that was his name) on 12.21.70 (the shortest day of that year) marking the southern most set of the sun 4000 years ago, when aliens put it there.  The earth's tilt has changed slightly since then, so the monolith is a little off, but the aliens will come back and fix it when they have some time.  It's not a high priority.

Archaic Glory Holes

 This is the "90 degree hole."  According to the guide, the "actual purpose is unknown."

Heh.

Sure it is.




Structures of Undetermined Origin

This rock is called the "undetermined structure."  My guess is that it is a rock, but I am no scientist.  One of my friends (I am looking at you, Betsy) has been on archeological digs, and probably has the best insight into the mysterious origins/uses of this surely magical rock.


Which leads me to the rock in the second picture, referred to in the guide as the "Mensal stone,"  the earliest known tampon.

Lying about a Sacrificial Table


This way to the sacrificial table!!  The sacrificial table is a big stone slab which you can't actually get to because it is fenced off, but it is called the sacrificial table because it is over the oracle chamber, and has channels carved in it to collect blood.  Scientists who are NO FUN AT ALL claim instead that this sacrificial table is really a lye leaching stone which was commonly found on old farms, this lye leaching from wood ashes being the first step in soap making.  Since we couldn't touch the actual sacrificial table, we reenacted it on this fallen log, and the Gods were apparently not interested in a pasty redhead who was wearing stupid shoes.  WORST SACRIFICE EVER.


Oracle Chamber of Secrets


This, my friends, is the "oracle chamber."  The oracle chamber features a "secret bed," below the "speaking tube," (I'll get back to that) the bed being a niche large enough for a person to squeeze through (ugh claustrophobic) and be completely hidden yet still be able to see everything going on in the main chamber.  Words spoken through the stone-lined speaking tube pop up through the "sacrificial table" (next post) which obviously allows for some super awesome commentary:  "THE GODS SAY YOU SMELL LIKE THE REAR QUARTERS OF A SKUNK!  IT'SSSSSSSSSSS STABBING TIME!  NICE BOWELS!"  etc.  Lizzie and I crawled through the scary, dark chamber, (which looks way lighter in the camera shot) said hey to the oracle, asked for some rather specific blessings, and left gifts of shiny stones for her before exiting through the aptly named "exit," which is actually just a hole knocked out by vandals, or a basilisk.  Your choice.

Aliens have the most boring names for stuff

The site was helpfully numbered with an accompanying guide.  What you see here is the "watch hut," which was thus named because of its location outside the main site, though its true purpose was probably less for watching and more for storing stuff.  The second picture is a shot of the main site with all of its fixings, including the third picture, the "south facing chamber," which is, inexplicably, a chamber that faces south, and finally, the "lower well," which is a well on the LOWER part of the site!!  I don't know about you, but I'm thinking aliens...

Especially when you see how most of these structures are on an astronomical alignment, per the map below.  Coincidence, or careful construction designed to support the theories of the site owner?  YOU DECIDE.





History in Action

Lizzie and I struck off in our sensible shoes down Pope's trail towards the "archeological" site.  Along the trail, exhibits were set up, demonstrating what the original inhabitants' lives were like.  Here you see me paddling the overland canoe, which was used by the Pennacook tribe during times of drought, Lizzie multitasking by stirring the stew and beating the skin of the stuffed toy she had slaughtered, and, in the final picture, Lizzie, using her reality-tv training, calls the Sasquatch.  Squatch calling was an art perfected in Pre-Columbian America.



In Search of: Salem, New Hampshire

As you are well aware, Lizzie and I never do anything or go anywhere without being 100% prepared in advance.  We headed north on 95 to New Hampshire, and as we passed through the Hampton tolls, Lizzie said "I'm just expecting there will be a sign that says 'Salem' soon," to which I helpfully said, "I think Salem is off of 93."  This statement probably would've been more helpful at the beginning of our journey, seeing as Lizzie lives a stone's throw from 93, but we charmingly always believe that the other one of us probably knows what's going on.  It's sort of like O'Henry's "Gift of the Magi," only with ignorance instead of Christmas Gifts.  We had to take a detour through scenic Greenfield, and the penalty for our lack of planning was 35 minutes of travel, and $3 in tolls.  Turns out we had gone way further north and east than we should have.  Oh well.  Also, the picture above denotes our excellent footwear selection for this rocky hike through a hilly, rocky, (did I mention rocky?) New Hampshire forest.  It inspired me to write this song:

Sensible shoes!  Sensible shoes!  Whenever we travel we wear sensible shoes!

Every time one of us tripped over a tree root or rock (often) I sang a nice chorus of "Sensible Shoes."  I'm working on fleshing it out a little.

Welcome to America's Stonehenge

WELCOME FELLOW SNARKERS.  THIS HISTORICAL SITE IS FULL OF PRE-COLUMBIAN STRUCTURES MADE BY CELTIC MONKS (the CULDEES) OR OTHER NON-NATIVE OR POSSIBLY NATIVE SUPER OLD CULTURES AND NOT BY 18TH-19TH CENTURY FARMERS.  THESE ANCIENT STRUCTURES WERE NOT REARRANGED OR CREATED IN AN ATTEMPT TO SCAM TOURIST DOLLARS BY CREATING AN AIR OF "MYSTERY AND MYSTICISM."  THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION.

America's Stonehenge!  This little hill up in Salem, New Hampshire, was first referred to in the "History of Salem" as Jonathan Pattee's cave.  The site was "studied" by William Goodwin around 1937, Goodwin redubbing it "Mystery Hill." Goodwin was the first to suggest that "mystery hill" had been inhabited by Pre-Columbian peoples.  In fact, he was so convinced that he rearranged the rocks into what he considered to be their "original" positions, as laid out by these archaic folk, and many of the stones have drill marks from his quarrying.  I mean, from pre-Columbian quarrying.  While there is no doubt that native people have been living here for a very, very long time, unfortunately there is no connection between regular Stonehenge and "America's" Stonehenge, and the site's current name was implemented to try to distance it from all those fake roadside attractions, and give it weight as an active archeological site.  You know, by giving it a name with no historical or archeological base in fact.  While there is no doubt that native people have been here for quite some time, it seems like the Astronomical structures were more Goodwin's doing than anything else.  Still, the site has attracted interest and visits from the likes of HP Lovecraft (the site inspiring his "the Dunwich Horror"), Leonard Nimoy (on "In Search of"), William Shatner (on "Weird or What") and of course, most impressively, Lizzie and me.